Saturday, 11 August 2012

Unreal News - Higgs Boson inadvertently causes panic at 10 Janpath

This is a story you would tell with extreme care and caution. But it so starkly characterizes the current state of distrust in the leadership that it is a folly to keep it under wraps, as the entire establishment has tried to do for the last few days. It has also taken us that long to tap Shekhar Gupta’s sources to establish this story.

Earlier in July, intelligence sources stumbled on intelligence emanating from Switzerland that something big was discovered and was about to be announced. Intelligence agencies were curiously following the development because the chatter intercepted repeatedly turned up a words bose and boson which sounded highly Indian. The Indian government was very concerned with the amount of time intelligence agencies were taking to get to the bottom of the matter. Since it sounded like it concerned India, the government handed over the matter to the CBI with orders to report back in 24 hours. The CBI promptly investigated and inferred that a bose had been discovered. Since this was such an important assignment, they sent the report immediately to 10 Janpath skipping the PMO.

The high command saw the report and panicked. They promptly inferred that bose referred to Subhash Chandra Bose. Subhash Chandra Bose’s death has long been the subject of dispute and an entire nation has been hoping for decades that their beloved hero is indeed alive and will be discovered one day. According to Shekhar Gupta’s sources, all these years, the Nehru family has been living in the hope that Subhash Chandra Bose never be discovered. They know that in the face of the sublime achievements of Subhash Chandra Bose, their charisma will sublime like naphthalene sublimes when kept in open. If he was indeed found, he would immediately command high respect among the countrymen leaving the high command high and dry.  

A meeting of the working committee along with select alliance partners was immediately called and within 15 minutes everyone except Pranab Mukherjee was present. Kapil Sibal said that Bose could be in Switzerland to possibly look at Swiss Bank Accounts. A shudder passed through the meeting. Further update followed from CBI that a bose was also found in India. The CBI was immediately asked to stop pursuing Mayawati, Jagan, Ramdev Baba and others and asked to investigate on finding Netaji. CBI officers in Agra investigating Mayawati were asked to stop their work and focus on Netaji. At the same time Mulayam Singh Yadav, who likes to call himself Netaji   was visiting an army cantonment in Agra. CBI reported that Netaji was seen in Agra Cantonment. Digvijay Singh commented that maybe he is taking charge of the Indian army. CBI later reported an unexpected (and non-notified) movement by a key military unit based in Mathura in the direction of the Delhi. Reports came in of yet another military movement “towards” Delhi. This unit was identified as a large element of the airborne 50 Para Brigade based at Agra. Politicians who had heard of “Chalo Delhi” in history textbooks panicked. The High Command immediately summoned Pratibha Patil, the supreme commander of the armed forces to the meeting for consultations.  Pranab Mukherjee was still missing. High command was furious at Ahmed Patel for this lapse. “Where is Pranab?, he is our ace troubleshooter. What will I do without him?  You don’t do your work properly. I will have to fire you”. Ahmed Patel replied sheepishly, “Pranabda is saying he is the incoming president of the Republic and it does not reflect well on the head of state to attend a meeting of a political party. He has to maintain the dignity of his office”.  A furious Sonia is supposed to have shouted, “Ask him to come here right now. He is still not the president. Otherwise I will nominate Pratibha Patil who is here, for a second term. Hearing this Pratibha Patil looked happy and started browsing through her travel brochures”. Pranab Mukherjee entered soon enough and heard everyone out. Then he shouted at them, “Rather than panicking, switch on the TV. This is not about Subhash Chandra Bose but Higgs Boson. They have just announced this discovery. Was just watching this breaking news back home” The TV was immediately switched on and calm reentered the room. A call to the army received the response that the movements were routine exercise.

After watching the news coverage, Rahul Gandhi asked, “Why did they have to name this particle after Subhash Chandra Bose? Hasen’t our family done more for the country? A nehruon or gandhion sounds so much better than a boson” An annoyed and irritated Pranab Mukherjee told him that this reference is not to Subhash Chandra Bose but to Satyendra Nath Bose, a scientist. Laloo Yadav, one of the few non committee persons at the meeting, took a dig at Rahul, “That’s why I keep telling you Rahul Baba, do not speak in between when elders are speaking”.

The government, bureaucracy and army have denied the reports and called it mischievous and misleading. But we stand by our story. We are thankful to Shekhar Gupta’s sources for helping us piece together this story.

We are happy that this incident has caused the people to remember Subhash Chandra Bose, one of the greatest leaders of our country. We dedicate this article with gratitude, to the loving and respectful memory of Netaji Subhash Chandra Bose.

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